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look around around at what surrounds you

its not the war you see but a simple struggle

that you are able to get through

so slow down

there is beauty in every ounce of pain

its all there to show us to teach us where to never go again

all the people who try to keep you down

use them to help you win

win the battle against yourself

if misery is all you've ever known

if darkness is the only light you have ever seen

my hope is one day after the storm is long gone

you will look back and take strength from what used to be

and be grateful for the place and the person you've turned out to be

to go from hurt and misery to a place of peace acceptance and serenity

to have won the hardest fight to escape a place that was all you have ever known

I hope you see that it is all ok that you are finally home

I've seen so much pain

but now I can look back at it and feel whole again

to come from a place where people only took from who I am

stole so much good from me

I had to fight to finally believe I was safe

to put the pieces back together

to finally see that i can now live in peace
that I am finally free

it takes us all some time

It was my time to search for a happiness I knew would always be mine
time to finally open up your heart open you eyes
to choose to live a life no longer blind
to search deep inside and to be able to clearly see
to have been able to chase away all the insequiriey that was within me
so thankful to have been traveling on this journey

life has this way of taking you down a road

a road that you can settle in and finally call home

Opening To Faith

"Once in pain it seems the only way out is through. We must accept we are there and sit there long enough so we can be carried in the deep, the willingness to do this is faith" Faith is definitely a hard concept to grasp when faced with pain adversity and when the world is constantly testing you throwing obstacles in front you. Faith and our own personal inner strength are tested on a daily basis. When you as a person make the choice to figure out who you are and to strive for self awareness the journey is a traitorous one. Faith is tested strength, tested courage, tested character and testing of self but it is the resilience of man of human beings that drives us and fuels our ability to fight back and hold true to what it is we are searching for, to hold onto what keeps us hopeful to what keeps us positive to what keeps you going on a path towards happiness rather than dragging ourselves backwards to places we have fought so hard to come out of. Resilience is what drives us as human beings and fuels our ability to have hope and faith. It is this carnal resilience and instinct of survival that keeps us going. Life is not perfect people are not perfect and in life there will be dark times there will be happiness but if you have faith if you have true inner strength nothing and I mean nothing will get in you nothing will deviate from the core strength that lies within someone who has fought to be in a place of light rather than a place of darkness. There comes a point where you are sick and tired of trying to be someone you are not trying to please the standards of the world and where you have to dig so deep inside and look at the person you are and find out who that person is and confront it then embrace it. One of the greatest lessons I've learned is sometimes g-d or whatever higher power you believe in has to take you away from things, has to bring you out of situations to bring you to the place you were always meant to be and to help you become the person you were born to be. I now consider myself a hopeful fighter, I have fought for my independence I have fought for my health I have fought for my strength I have fought for myself! The driving force behind that fight the fuel to my fire is my reignited faith. My faith has been forever restored and ignited and I am never NEVER letting that flame go out again.

I feel it in my veins rushing over me!

In my opinion there is no greater force than music. In my 27 years of life there is one thing that I have aways been able to count on, to rely on, to turn to when I'm sad, angry, happy, celebrating or heartbroken one thing that is a comfort and one thing that can impact my mood or day that one thing has always been music. I'm spending a nice reflective night at home candles lit all over my room and echoing through my speakers are a million and one different songs. I was inspired to write about this topic for many reasons. Today I said goodbye to a person who has truly changed my entire life and has helped me become the person I am. We reflected a lot on how far I have come, what I have been through and the person I now am today. Sitting here in my room with each song that comes on I am taken back to a moment in time, a moment of happiness, a moment of sadness, a moment of despair and moments of peace. Music have this ability to connect to our souls to our spirit and to connect to certain memories and periods of our lives. Some moments we sit back and smile some moments we wish we could forget but regardless of what music brings up for us one things stays true its ability to pierce the heart and flood the mind whether its connecting to lyrics, the voice or instrumental music is awe inspiring. I found this quote which beautifully expresses what I am trying to convey "Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart & makes it while, flows from heaven to the soul . I can truly say that a big reason I am who I am today is because music in so many ways has saved my life. I don't know where I would be or who I would if music had not been there at my happiest moments and my darkest moments. I live my life consumed with song and to me there is no better way to live.

Journey To Self

Tonight I was sitting at home and had my itunes on shuffle and this beautiful song came on, a song I have never heard before. People who know me know the first thing I do when I hear a new song is to the listen to the lyrics. The amazing thing about music is to find songs that resonate within your soul and songs you can relate to. The lyrics to this song put perfectly the essence of the beauty of ones self exploration and to me describes the beginning of a person deciding they want to start the journey to take the time to figure out who they are and get to know who they are. I feel like people, me included fill our lives with distractions or get so busy that when the world is still and no one is around we have to ask ourselves... Do I truly know who I am? Have I taken the time to figure out and love the person I am? With each new day that passes I feel so blessed that I am on the journey and to be honest loving every second of it. I heard the lyrics to this song and instantly thought whooaaa this was me at one point in time at the beginning of my journey. A little scared but ready. Ready to find myself to grow and become the best version of myself. I heard the first note of this song on the piano and it touched my heart. 
The song is above and beyond- On a good day. Here are the lyrics and song
Above & Beyond- On a good day 


Little bit lost and...
Little bit lonely
A little bit cold here
A little bit feared

But I, hold on
And I
Feel strong, and I
Know that I can

Getting used to it
Lit the fuse to it
Like to know who I am

Been talking to myself forever...yeah
And how I wish I knew me better, yeah
Still sitting on the shelf but never
Never seen the sun shine brighter
And it feels like me, on a good day

I'm a little bit hemmed in
Little bit isolated
A little bit hopeful
A little bit calm

But I, hold on
And I
Feel strong, and I
Know that I can

Getting used to it
Lit the fuse to it
Like to know who I am

Been talking to myself forever...yeah
And how I wish I knew me better, yeah
Still sitting on the shelf but never
Never seen the sun the shine brighter
And it feels like me,it feels like me........

National Eating Disorder Week

Hello everyone,

It has been a while since I have posted anything on my blog and I figured there is no better time than now. National Eating Disorder Week to write a little something. I am coming upon my one year anniversary working at the Bella Vita as an eating disorder counselor and to be honest it shocks me everyday the stories I hear, the pain I see, the second by second struggle I see in every single patient. The job gets very overwhelming, very tiring and at times as counselors we can become complacent and lose hope in what we do because often times patients leave and we know or fear that once they leave the safety of our residential facility that they will be sucked back into the vicious and enticing eating disorder cycle. To see how patients come into our level of care and struggle to challenge themselves and learn ways of healthy coping and to change everything about their lives that they have ever known is a privilledge and an honor and many times even I forget that. Many people are not aware of how many people around them mothers, grandmothers, sisters, daughters, brothers, sons, dads are suffering with an eating disorder. It is a hidden secret that is often guarded and protected and veiled with judgment and shame. It is time to break down the wall of shame and the fear of judgment and ridicule and educate and fight for those suffering from an eating disorder and to educate those who are still unsure of how severe an issue this is. Over 24 million people suffer from an eating disorder and eating disorders especially  Anorexia is the number one... the NUMBER ONE killer of all mental disorders. NUMBER ONE!!! An eating disorder can be hard to understand but it affects more people than we realize and until we start talking about it and challenge the media stereotypes and the messages we send to the youth of america, this growing epidemic will only continue to get worse. Children are suffering from eating disorders at younger ages. I have seen patients who have stated that their eating disorder started at the age of 5-8 how can a child that young learn to hate their body or to harm themselves in such a way to deal with internal pain. There needs to be more education more knowledge spread about this issue, we cannot stay silent any longer it is time to speak up to learn to grow to face this issue that keeps those suffering in a silent prison that slowly kills them. The purpose of National Eating Disorder Week is to ultimately prevent eating disorders and body image issues while reducing the stigma surrounding eating disorders and improving

access to treatment. Eating disorders are serious, life-threatening illnesses - not choices - and it's important to recognize the pressures, attitudes and behaviors that shape the disorder. We have come far in the last two decades but eating disorders research continues to be under-funded, insurance coverage for treatment is inadequate, and societal pressures to be thin remain rampant, even doctors fail to recognize the signs and fail to offer the help that many people suffering from an eating disorder need. That is why education is so vital. We need acceptance we need love we need hope and most of all those who suffer from an eating disorder need support the more we can make them feel safe to share their stories and feel understood the more we can continue to combat and help those in need. I have have hope that one day we will live in a society where our shape and weight is not what defines us. I have hope that one day those suffering will continue to find the courage and strength within themselves to fight and know it'll be ok.

A Day To Give Thanks

I took some time to really sit and think about what I am thankful for and a list of things immediatly came into my mind. To put into words just how grateful and lucky I am almost seems impossible because no words and I mean no words can describe how truly blessed and honored I feel. Life has this crazy funny way of shaking your world up and giving you obstacles to face that seems unbearable at the time. We all go through hard times in life whether it be with work, school, friends, love, family but the biggest lesson I have learned is that in those times we are tested but also the people in our lives are tested. I feel so blessed for all the amazing people in my life and for all the gifts that g-d has blessed me with. When we are so focused on certain aspects of our crazy lives we tend to forget the most meaningful and overlook how truly amazing those things are. My parents and family are the most pure and amazing people in my world. They are the most selfless and giving people in my life and are my rocks that keep me strong. My amazing wonderful friends who have literally taken my breath away with how truly special and one of a kind they are. My dear friends who all know who they are friends who have always been there and friends who have literally dropped everything to make a point to let me know that they are by my side. For them I am grateful. My school and work for which I feel honored to be a part of, I feel lucky g-d has blessed me with the passion and knowledge of knowing what I wanna do with my life and where I want to be and the ability to be able to help people. My dog lucky for being the purest and most innocent form of love and happiness. I also feel thankful for the ability to be where I am right now in life at this very moment, its funny but I have come to realize how the smallest things in life can make you feel so alive. To everyone out there I hope you have a happy thanksgiving and I hope you stop and take a minute to look around and all those big things that all your energy has been focused on stop for a moment and look at the rest of your world and be thankful for those amazing aspects of your life that may be overlooked. Today is a day to give thanks, but everyday should be a day to give thanks.

Moments of reflection

The last post I wrote I spoke about how my motivation with work and school had dwindled, and I believe that may have been due to my lack of appreciation for how truly lucky I am to be able to learn and do the things that I do. I have had the most amazing week at work and I believe it is because I am not allowing myself to take it for granted anymore or to become stagnant with my job. I feel honored and privalledged that I get to be a part of someone's ultimate struggle, the struggle to take back their life. That may sound weird but when I say I feel privalledged I mean that I get to be one little piece and witness to the strength and courage it takes someone to recover from the darkest of places and to try slowly one moment at a time to remember and feel for the first time that they have power. Working with eating disorders is something I am so passionate about and to be able to be part of a place that helps woman and men attempt to regain their lives is a powerful thing. I love that I am in school working on getting my degree so I can be a part of someones story and journey to heal themselves, whether it be eating disorders, depression, anxiety whatever it may be I love what I do and I think thats the key. Life is truly a roller coaster full of ups and downs,  life moves so fast that we overlook the things that make us happy and can bring us fullfillment. This is something I teach my patients and know I need to live my life by. To live life moment by moment, take each moment as it comes your way.. don't dwell on the past and do not worry about the future, instead focus on the moments as they come. Easier said than done but it is true, feel your pain, feel your sorrow, feel your anger, feel your joy and then move towards the next moment. I see the struggle in the patients where I work, the pain and agony of what their lives have brought them it brings them down keeps them stuck in a place of darkness, the possibility of the light is unimaginable to them. They have missed so much of life due to the suffering of what they have been through but what we as human beings need to learn is forgiveness. The ability to forgive your past and to let it go, only then will all people be free and most importantly forgive yourself. I see patients who hold onto all their pain that the idea of letting go of it is fearful to them. it's that fear that holds us all back from doing or experiencing life the way we should. I feel like my job and what I learn in school teaches me so much. Every moment I am learning something new, it is so easy to be caught up in life and what it throws at you but the ability to be present within yourself is a gift and a gift I hope all the people suffering out their can achieve.